Nancy Ruth’s Hello Breakup blog had a post about important questions to ask your ex after a breakup to initiate your healing process and it was such a triggering post. I get her point that maybe you need closure but imagine wanting to go back to someone you need to heal from just to ask them to validate your feelings?
Asking questions like what qualities your ex liked about you or what you could work on for your next relationship seems to be such a shallow thing to ask someone you were planning a future with, that is now no longer a part of it. I think healing comes from within, accepting what you went through and how it made you feel, acknowledging what you could have done better and where you failed your partner, truth is true healing comes with unaltered introspection and introspection is a personal endeavor.
Going back to an ex during the healing phase is like picking at a wound and wondering why the dang thing isn’t healing.
Najwa Zebian said, and I quote: “You can be healing and feel broken at the same time. Healing isn’t a destination we reach where we’re perfect and at peace all the time…”
Najwa hit it on the head because everyone around me sees the perfection I’ve been playing, how things don’t necessarily affect me anymore, and how so far away I’ve moved from the past of any relationship I’ve ever had but some days, when there’s no one around to comfort me or distract me I am wallowing in the pit of self-doubt, I am forced to question all the moments I behaved negatively to the ones I said I loved and how they dropped me when I needed their support most. I spend some nights angry at it all and some nights I struggle to breathe from the uncontrollable sobbing.
Wherever the path of healing takes you, you’ve got to allow it to flow, and feel every single emotion that runs through your veins like it’s the last lifeline you have to stay afloat. There will be days that feel like your heart is made of ice and some days it’s flubber, one day there’s a weight on your chest and you’ll be gasping for air and then the next day you wake up and your entire body feels so hollow and you’re just floating through it all but there will be that one day you wake up and despite how the insecurities that you’ve collected from the past may still be prevalent, you can comfortably keep moving forward.
Every day things become easier, you can speak more openly and you’ve established a better method of communication with yourself, you will finally understand what you want and when you want it. See healing is just another word for growth, if you haven’t grown from what’s hurt you then you haven’t fully healed and sometimes the hurt of a heartbreak isn’t just about what was done to you but what you did and didn’t do in the relationship that also affected the other person and how they behaved towards you.
Healing is about taking accountability that even when they were toxic, you too portrayed toxicity towards them because their behavior also triggers bitterness in you, and when you’re in it, in that moment, your reactions may not have always been appropriate. You’re human as is your partner, you feed of each other’s energy and when the energy is awful you’ll both be sitting in the space together. At the end of one of my past relationships I was just frustrated at my partners behavior so my attitude wasn’t as stellar, I snapped, I made comments or I would use the silent treatment, and it wasn’t fair, I do acknowledge and accept that I was wrong for doing that. It’s in no way excusing his behavior towards me but for my own sanity, I wish I handled it better because it would have changed the dynamic of my healing.
See healing isn’t a linear experience.
The experience will inevitably be outrageously painful but that doesn’t mean peace is far off and peace doesn’t mean that the pain no longer exists. I still think of my relationship when I was in high school and consciously make note of certain things that should it ever arise in any future relationship, I will do better, I will respond and react better.
Healing is sitting with the hurt and picking at every little thing. It’s not for you to harbor bitterness but for you to be able to dissect each moment with a clear mind without anyone trying to defend their actions and confuse you. It’s so that you can better understand both why your partner could have behaved that way and if your responses were both acceptable to them and worth the energy you gave it. This will allow you to better handle a situation in the future with a future partner.
So if, like me, you are currently maneuvering through a healing phase, remember that there’s no handbook. Healing has a mind of its own, and it will hurt, it will anger you, it will make you question your tolerance of your past partners as well as your own behavior, it will leave you speechless and simultaneously make you want to scream.
So heal how you see fit.
Your healing is your business.
Heal productively, heal positively, heal with intention, heal with kindness, heal with clarity, heal even when it hurts, heal on the bad days and heal on the good days.
Just make sure you’re healing.